194_Chapter Four – Day 28 part two

I continue down this path, praying for more gifts like her. I genuinely believe these angels are the answer to prayers for world peace. They are an example of pure, unconditional love. Even her willingness to sacrifice herself for the safety and joy of her family, inspirational. Very few people are brave enough to let go of themselves for those they love. Though her decision was misguided, her ability to love was greater than any of us can comprehend. Again, we read stories of people who will die for the good of others, but few of us ever begin to examine whether or not, when called to the table, we would be able to step in front of a moving train to save the soul of someone we love. It is the kind of love we do not comprehend and never have to consider.  I realize Amber, with love as deeply inspirational as her faith, not only understood it, but would have it no other way. She would do anything, literally anything, to protect her family from pain. These were not just words to her, but actions; Actions she would not be denied.

As I sit here, trying to comprehend the depth of her love, I begin to sense it. Her actions were not born of fear or escape. This tragedy was a genuine act of love and sacrifice. To her, this was no different than Jesus on the cross. There was no selfishness here. She will not be honored by society for this great act, but only by those closest to her. She knew they would hurt for a while, and she would surely have taken this pain as well if she could. She believed her sacrifice would return them their freedom. This would provide for them their joy, and she would take with her their suffering. 

I do not believe I could ever find the words to express the message I hear in this passageway. It rings through to my soul, and I understand it to my core, but there are no words to express the depths of it. It is a great truth, and it is inspirational. This woman has given the ultimate sacrifice. It is an act of love beyond human emotion, and it was successful.

She knew she could rid the world of this foul stench, and she has done so. This man was not only penetrating her mind and her soul but the souls of thousands. She understood something others did not. She understood she would not jump to escape his words. She would take them with her into eternity to protect her loved ones from ever being subject to its pain. She did this. With her strength and the purity of her soul, she held on tight—not only to his soul but to her love. She held fast to her husband and her children, and her family. She held tight through pain and death, and she did not let go.

Then, after succeeding in her sacrifice, she was asked to let go. To give freedom to her family, to allow them the opportunity to live in joy again one day, and to finally ensure this darkness could never touch their hearts. In what must have been the most challenging task any of us could face, she let go. To be able to achieve two such monumental sacrifices is beyond my comprehension.

I know what it is like to sit in the face of this man. I know how it challenged my soul and even threatened my family. In the presence of her memory, I do not feel my task is so monumental. I sit in the safety of my home, choosing to type the message as it comes to my mind. I have been sad, and I know I have suffered. Those around me have suffered just in watching the pain in my eyes, but I cannot sit in the face of her glory and even closely compare what I have sacrificed. I feel shame in even calling it a sacrifice. I have been honored to experience her story with her, but I have not sacrificed. How could I even begin to say I have? 

I have been blessed by her presence and by the opportunity to catch just a glimpse of her. Any suffering I have experienced has been worth the chance to know her a little. I will never be able to express the gratitude I feel, not only for the healing I am about to receive but for being allowed to witness her ability to love. It has restored a faith in humanity I had thought was lost forever. I have seen so much ugliness in my own experience I began to believe humanity had lost this kind of beauty. Through a world I’ve created for myself, I have seen glimpses, but we are battered and beaten by the ugliness in the world. We have beauty in our souls, but none of us came from histories filled with unconditional love. We are scarred veterans of hostile environments and cling tightly to hopes of a better world.

I cannot speak for my friends, but I can say for myself, I was losing grip on the small amount of hope I had left. I had more faith in the pain this world has to offer than the love. I had more doubt in ever seeing true goodness than in I did in seeing pain. I express more pain upon those I hold dear than I do love. I’m trying to be a better person, and this experience is changing me. I find renewed hope in my ability to be kind and in my ability to love, and through this hope, I will build a new kind of faith in humanity. I will look to see the goodness because now I know it is there. Now, I believe there are kind people who give with no motive and share their love with the world unconditionally. I want to be one of them.

I will no longer worry about what the world does or does not give to me but of what I can give to the world. I have known for many years; when we give to others, we are filled, but I allowed myself to become empty and angry and alone in my soul. I am inspired by this journey to no longer waste my days belittling myself and then sharing my pointless, tortured agony with the world. I will love myself, and those around me regardless of the picture presented. I will remove the conditions from my love, and when I feel depleted or find myself with expectations, I will remember the potential of who I am at my center. When given the opportunity, I will remind others; this is the only place where they will reveal their truth in the nurturing, safe space at the center of our beings. I do not have the answers others seek. I can only share my love and remind them they carry their own truth.

I feel lifted and balanced and ready to continue down the path.