195_Chapter Four – Day 28 part three

I connect with the presence of the others in the cave.

As I move forward, I almost recognize this passage. It must be one I created many years ago. I must have been very young because it feels familiar in the way HR Puff ‘n Stuff seems familiar. I know I loved the show, yet, I don’t remember it. It’s almost like watching something new as I watch it today. I recall what is happening as it happens, but I cannot tell you what will happen next. This feeling once made me uncomfortable, like people wouldn’t believe how much I loved the show because I can’t remember a single episode. I would worry that it meant I wasn’t a big enough fan if I didn’t have every line memorized. It mattered if I remembered. Today, I think ignorance is bliss.

I treasure not knowing the answer to everything. What used to terrify me now removes the responsibility. If I don’t know, I’m not liable. I cannot even begin to explain what a relief it is not to feel responsible for everything, so I won’t even try.

Each corner I approach has me waiting for something to happen. I am waiting for someone to show up around each bend, but I know we are alone in the cave. I am achieving specific moments of awareness as we move. One is clear above the others. I am to feel my way through this cave rather than see. ‘Yay, for me.’ I wish this entire journey could be about the self-loather and not about me, but I understand I have to change myself. This is an opportunity for healing, and I must take it to detach from him completely.

I wish change came at the moment of awareness. I keep discovering these great truths but struggle when trying to achieve them in my daily life. Here, in this cave, in this story, I am centered and focused, and sentient. The moment I walk away from the computer, I am angry and lost and full of self-loathing again. I know I’m going through a profound transformation, not because I feel it, but because my guides have said it. I just hope I am correct in the assumption he has drowned out the truth and the idea of change not occurring is the illusion.

Along with the relief at no longer feeling like I need to have the answers for everyone, I feel the relief of my memory loss. It was difficult for me to lose my ability to recall events photographically. Still, I realize all it ever did to serve me was to make me ‘right.’ I’m beginning to understand if I prove myself right, I am probably proving someone else wrong, and the only person I’m serving in those moments is me. I’ve realized it doesn’t matter to me whether or not I’m right (most of the time anyway, I’m still growing after all). I don’t even want to worry about what my opinion was. I am so tired of having this hyper-focus on proving myself to others. It is a greedy, selfish action that produces the exact opposite result as I hoped.

I want to hear people and their stories. I want to listen to what they think and how they feel, and what they have to teach me. I no longer wish to be the teacher and the therapist. I want to be a true healer. The only way to do this is to understand what a person needs is not subject to my interpretation. People don’t need ‘answers,’ as I once believed. What people need is expressed in their conversation and through guidance. Neither of those scenarios suggests I listen to myself. This is why the words do not ‘stick.’ If I use my intuition to give advice, the advice I give is only suitable for me. The best I can do for anyone is to listen and act upon what I hear.

I pause, and I look closely at the rock around me. I do not know what I am looking for here. It appears I sense there is something hidden in the rock, and I am seeking it. I will not move forward until I find it.

That won’t be today. I will look again tomorrow. We have been walking for some time, and now I must rest. I will find what I am looking for in the morning.