At the end of the day, everything we are is value-driven. Value creates power, or in some cases, the perception of having power.
As we began this development conversation, I set forth a foundation; “In our beginnings…we are powerless. We are also absorptive.” It all boils down to our early development and how it shapes our definitions of individual value. In the case of feeling powerful, value is power, and our perception of power is supplied by our’ source,’ however we define that. We make our rules from source, from how powerful our parents feel and our siblings. We subconsciously measure the power of our status in society and, in the end, the most impactful of sources, our ability to contribute. We then store that information as the unconscious rules that govern our lives.
The critical thing to remember is that these rules become law. They are more instinct than they are a decision. Using them is as intuitive as raising your hand to block a blow or swerving your car to avoid an accident. Automatic responses are a vital survival instinct. However, they can also be the most devastating thing in our lives.
Still, there is no reason to judge these early triggers. All unconscious behavior is patterned after history—all of it. So, it is not our fault we react the way we do. It is what we absorbed or adopted, to survive. Our brain can comprehend it no other way. In the end, what we learned became the foundation for everything we are. It remains in the unconscious mind, and the rules we’ve made around these impresses will govern our lives with absolute certainty. It is when the learned monsters of our childhood become real monsters that this can be an issue.
Reflecting upon our subject’s decisions, we can see the presence of a clear pattern, a rule of survival. As I mentioned in the last entry, she is likely not the first in her line to make this decision. As we look at her mother, we can see the same ideology, the same fundamental rule for her existence. I can count on no one but myself.
This becomes her source, but it a complex concept. She will feel the same betrayal from others, but she will also experience the guilt of a betrayer because she will be one of that global population that “is not there for her mother.” No matter how she tries, the message will be the same, not because she isn’t there for her mother, but because the rule her mother’s subconscious mind demands is “no one is there for me.”
The picture her experience paints at the party is textbook in its example of the condition of social survival. It exposes our willingness to kill ourselves in an attempt to live. It seems counter-intuitive, but it’s not. While the state of suffering we experience is real, it is also not reality. It is our box, the bounds of our reality, and it can be attributed to both the lack of a conscious ‘externalized source’ during early development and the conditions affected by the diminished value created from the need of that source.
As we move from the early development of simply absorbing information and acting upon that information, we are not yet at the point of conscious choice. Throughout childhood and even adulthood for most, we are presented with the opportunity to experience what I call an all power/no power dichotomy. While we feel all-powerful and like to believe we act upon choice, we haven’t yet developed the ability to control sensory perception. We believe we have power, but we are still powerless.
Every dysfunctional thing we do, we do to feel safe. Our worst actions are taken to relieve the state of suffering we experience when perceiving a threat. The wounds we exact upon others, and even on ourselves, we inflict because, at some point, the same action created safety. As much as these attempts can look like fear, they can also look like hope. Our ideas about how things should be are limited to the perspective we hold of life. They are limited to the rules we learned as children and are by and large, not representative of our true nature.
Our subject was dying. She was abandoned by the adults in her life to live under the rule of tyranny. She was physically battered, sexually exploited, and emotionally devastated. Her tribe used for their pleasure and the release of their pent-up aggression. Her early development was established as a high state of suffering, and her only opportunity to relieve that suffering existed in the same box that created it. She had no other frame of reference. She was bound to use the suffering nearly killed her to save her.
She created a caste mentality. She defined herself as “us and them.” She knew she didn’t want to exist as “us,” but the opportunity she was presented to connect with a Divine Source failed her. She was told by adults in the community we will call “them,” told her she was not welcome. So, she decided to be alone, existing somewhere in between. She ran from one reality toward another, neither standing still long enough to make any real progress. She created isolation by trying to not be isolated, just as much as she eventually killed herself, trying not to die, but we’ll get to that when she’s fifteen.