172_Chapter Four – Day 18 part one

I am sitting in the chair. IEO is beside me, still holding my hand. I feel much better physically, and I am less afraid. I have realized much today. The layers have been peeled from my identity to begin revealing the truth. 

I rock slowly, short movements which will not cause too much nausea, just enough to comfort the sleeping child within me. IEO occasionally smoothes my hair with his free hand. His face is concerned like he has watched me have sickness, and I have finally come to a restful state. I think he has watched me suffer for years, but I have not allowed him to be close enough to comfort me. I think today, while my conscious mind was at work, he watched sickness overtake me, and he did what he could to bring me comfort. He has helped me through a rough day, but we both know it is not over.

It is only moments before I am mumbling again, like someone having a bad dream. The calm has passed. My head rocks back and forth with the struggle. I gaze upon myself, trying to see what I may be fighting in my mind, but he stops me. This story is not for me to see, not again and not like this. It is a time of letting go. I do not need to look at the old pictures I shed. I just need to allow this healing to occur.

I return my focus to IEO. I am amazed by his compassion, his peaceful stature, his loving way. He is always strong, but he is also silent and seldom loses patience with me. He is the pure essence of nurturing, and I am amazed by his presence in my life. I have had so many relationships, and I have never allowed a person in my life to be this nurturing to me. I have not even allowed him to be as nurturing as he is at this time. Why do I deny this kind of compassion? My heart reaches to those in need, but I do not allow hearts to touch mine. Is it because I do not believe? Do I feel unworthy? I settle into my closed eyes to examine the question. Why have I not known a man like IEO in my life? 

I understand the simple philosophies. I know I send the right men the wrong message, but I know I also doubt this man exists beyond the recesses of my vision. I do not see him being a possibility in the real world. I lay back to sit with the idea of this. The world starts to shift and move around me. I am altering something. So, I step from the story to continue.

I undeniably believe men; yes, I think I believe all men are selfish. I used to believe they were all cheaters. I think I was close to a hundred percent convinced that all men could cheat given the right circumstances. I don’t think I believe this anymore. I may not be much below ninety percent in my mind, but I am beginning to welcome the concept of men having the capacity to be faithful.

Now, if I remove the faithful men I see from the above equation, I still find them to be selfish, to an extent. I find they expect their children to be their wife’s responsibility first and foremost, and they usually believe we should set our priorities to their agenda. I find this of ‘even the nicest guys,’ but IEO is different. Isn’t he? IEO is patient. He continually stands and waits for me to find myself, no matter how long it takes. True, he is a Spirit Guide, but I am in awe of the man he is, and I genuinely wish I could ever believe a man like him could stand by me this way.

To imagine anyone could wrap me up in their arms and make me feel so safe in the world is beyond me. I can’t even imagine being able to fall asleep with a man in this house, at this point, not with the damage done to me. Correction; there are men I trust to be honorable around my daughter. I have found those men as friends. I don’t believe they could ever love me enough. Is this the truth of it? I am impossible, aren’t I? I don’t want to be. I never wanted to be, but I believe I am.

There is a girl at my daughter’s school, and she’s so desperately lonely. She tries so hard. My heart goes out because I know her. I see me in her. She will do anything for love, and for her desperation, she will probably pay.

I thrash in the chair, anxiety growing inside of me. I know all of this stuff. I have been around and around this circle, and I go nowhere. He watches me, concerned. How can anyone love me this much or look at me this way? I feel like all of this is a charade, like a story I create because my life is pathetic. Would I have pulled a family in pain into my narrative just to feel a little love? Could I be that person?

It feels like ‘him’ talking, the one who always hurt me or like ‘her.’ Where there wasn’t the man to tear me down, there was always one of those women who ripped my soul apart and took from me anything that felt good and pure and happy and loveable. It is too late to start over. She took away my opportunity to find someone like IEO. The minute he would have recognized me, I would have destroyed it with my need. I was so utterly empty of faith. I still am. It is all impossibly too late.

Some men tried to see it in me along the way, and I chose. Yes, I chose people like my ex-husband over them. I refused to believe their kindness. I just ‘let them go’ before they could discover the truth, and I stayed with the men who saw me for what I believed I was; unworthy. I have never thought myself worth anything. I just spend my life waiting for people to leave. I hide behind comedy and compassion, and I pretend I am not weak. He sees my weakness, and he loves me still. I am amazed by this.

I realize how sad it is for me to be amazed by a Spirit Guide loving me unconditionally. How much more self-loathing could one truly achieve than wondering if they could be worthy of a true expression of God’s Love? I can believe God loves murders and rapists and all of society’s bottom dwellers, but I honestly struggle with Him declaring His love for me through IEO. The realization of this fact, of course, only increases my self-loathing. I am disgusted by who I am. This is embarrassing.